Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
