This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
