You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
