I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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