He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
