Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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