Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize