I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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