it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
