if only i could text you this smell
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
