eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
