I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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