The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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