I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
