I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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