Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
