he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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