don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just want to make out with him forever
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
