Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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