Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
