i jhust puked up my retainher.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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