Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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