He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize