I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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