My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
