I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
