I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
