Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize