I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize