they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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