i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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