she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
