At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
