last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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