Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
