My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
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