Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
