She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
