I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
