Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
