Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
