We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
