Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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