also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
