I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize