I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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