It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
dude. I can hear the air.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
