Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize