My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
