She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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