glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize