i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
