drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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