I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
