I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
