So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
