Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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