If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
