Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
