yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
