Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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