you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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